In today’s world, parenting seems to fall into categories. There are the parents who always say yes—those who want to be seen as the “cool” parents, or who avoid conflict by giving in to their children’s every request. The peace in their homes may be kept, but at what cost? This style often avoids the important work of teaching kids about limits, consequences, and what’s truly right or wrong. As parents, we are sometimes pressured into this mindset, but it’s crucial that we understand the power of saying no, especially when a request conflicts with our family values.
Just recently, one of our children asked for something that, after careful thought, we knew was outside our family values. We felt that giving in to this request wouldn’t benefit their future and would actually conflict with the principles we hold dear. So, we said no.
What followed was predictable—tantrums, debates, attempts to manipulate us into changing our minds, and accusations of being the strictest parents ever. And yet, despite the drama, we stood firm. We listened to their arguments and respected their perspective, but at the end of the day, we held to what we felt was right for our family at this time.
Had we simply said, “Sure, no worries,” we might have avoided the argument, and the peace in our home would have remained intact—for the moment. But peace gained at the expense of our values is short-lived. In the long run, saying yes when our principles tell us otherwise teaches our children nothing about boundaries or discernment. Family values should be the compass that guides decisions, even when they are difficult to enforce.
The Importance of Family Values
Values shape families, and they should shape decisions. While values might evolve as we gather new experiences and information, they often remain the bedrock of who we are as individuals and as a family. When we deviate from those values, especially for short-term peace, we open ourselves to long-term challenges—whether it’s increased pressure, guilt, or regret over decisions that didn’t align with who we are.
So how do you create family values that everyone can stand behind? You talk about them. Take time to sit down as a family and discuss what matters most. This is where The Table Talk Project comes in. We provide a space for families to gather and engage in meaningful conversations, like the ones needed to identify your core values. Plan it. Set aside dedicated time to sit down and work out your family values together.
Listening Is Key
As you establish your family values, it’s important to listen to your children. They may express thoughts and desires that differ from your own. Don’t dismiss their opinions outright, even if they seem at odds with your views. Instead, consider their ideas together. The process of listening and engaging in thoughtful dialogue helps your children feel heard and respected. Once you’ve discussed the values, leave the conversation for a week, then come back for another family table talk. Use that time to reflect, adjust if necessary, and solidify your values as a family.
Dessert: The Check-In
When your family comes together for these important discussions, finish the conversation with a “dessert”—a check-in. This is where everyone ensures they’ve been heard, and you make sure that each family member leaves the table feeling valued and supported. It’s a small but significant step in making sure family decisions aren’t just about rules but about fostering understanding and connection.
When your family agrees on core values, decisions become easier—whether those decisions are about external pressures or internal struggles. Saying no may never be easy, but when it’s done with purpose and clarity, it teaches children invaluable lessons about respect, boundaries, and the importance of living by your values. The conversations you start today will shape the family and individuals you become tomorrow.
So next time a challenging request comes up, don’t be afraid to say no. Let your family values guide you, and let The Table Talk Project create the space for those essential conversations.
