One of our core sayings at The Table Talk Project is Connection is key! If we can’t connect, then we can’t have meaningful conversations. But one of the biggest barriers to connection that we see time and time again is parents constantly nagging their children—whether it’s to get to the dinner table, tidy their room, or my personal favourite, “Get off your phone!” What we may not realise is that this cycle of nagging can actually create a disconnect between us and our children. Over time, this can make it harder for them to see us as a safe place to turn to when they need support.
I have a confession to make. I am a nagger. It has been a little over a day since my last nag. I don’t want to do it, but I can’t help it most of the time. Sound familiar? I have tried to stop, but nothing seemed to work—until now. Keep reading for some revelations and some strategies.
The Moment That Changed Everything
A few weeks ago, I watched a documentary called Seen, created by the incredible Sam Jockel, who runs Parent TV. The documentary highlights a powerful truth: as parents, we first need to see ourselves before we can fully see our children. It focuses on the realisation that we often parent the way we were parented—until we stop and acknowledge that it doesn’t have to be this way.
For me, that was a wake-up call. I realised that my nagging wasn’t just about getting things done—it was about control. When things weren’t going well in my life, when I felt overwhelmed or stressed, my instinct was to take control of something tangible—like my children’s behaviour. If someone wasn’t feeling well, I asked a million questions to “fix” it. If their room wasn’t tidy, I nagged until they either did it begrudgingly or we ended up in an argument. It wasn’t working, and it was pushing us apart.
So, what’s changed? I still make plenty of mistakes, but now my focus is not on control—it’s on connection.
Shifting the Focus: From Nagging to Connecting
Take this scenario: My son is glued to Instagram Reels. My old response? “Get off your phone!” His response? Frustration, resistance, and disconnection.
But now, I try something different: “How about we both put our phones down? I’d love to connect with you. I really want to have a great conversation and hear about what’s going on in your world.”
This simple shift changes the dynamic from demanding obedience to inviting connection. And it works.
Practical Strategies for Connecting Instead of Nagging
If you, like me, have found yourself stuck in the nagging cycle, here are some practical ways to break free and foster connection instead:
1. Reflect on Your Own Parenting Experience
- Think about how you were parented. Were your parents naggers? Were they more permissive? Understanding this can help you break patterns that aren’t serving your family.
- Remind yourself: It’s never too late to change. Your children will notice your efforts.
2. Pause Before You Speak
- Before issuing a command (“Clean your room!”), ask yourself: Is this about connection or control?
- If it’s about control, take a deep breath and reframe it.
3. Invite, Don’t Demand
- Instead of “Come to the dinner table now,” try “Hey, I’d love for us to eat together—join me when you’re ready.”
- Instead of “Turn off the TV,” try “Let’s go for a walk together—I’d love to catch up.”
4. Be Curious, Not Critical
- If your child is glued to their phone, rather than shutting it down, ask: “What’s so interesting? Show me one of your favourite videos.” This shows you care about their world.
- If they’re resistant to chores, ask: “What’s your least favourite part about tidying your room?” See if you can problem-solve together.
5. Model What You Want to See
- If you want them to put their phone away at dinner, put yours away first.
- If you want them to express their feelings openly, share yours too.
6. Create Connection Rituals
- Have a “Tech-Free Hour” where everyone in the family puts down devices and connects.
- Establish a tradition where, instead of nagging, you make requests in a fun way—maybe a “chore lottery” where tasks are randomly assigned with a small reward.
7. Make the Conversation Safe
- When they do open up, resist the urge to lecture.
- Validate their feelings: “That sounds really frustrating.” or “I can see why that’s important to you.”
Final Thoughts: Connection Over Control
Parenting is hard, and breaking old habits is even harder. But the shift from nagging to connecting is one of the most powerful changes you can make. It won’t be perfect, and you’ll slip up. But every time you choose connection over control, you’re strengthening the bond with your child.
At The Table Talk Project, we believe that every conversation matters. If we can focus on connection first, everything else—chores, screen time, family dinners—will naturally follow.
So next time you feel the urge to nag, pause and ask yourself: How can I connect instead? Because at the end of the day, connection is key.
