As parents there is this innate need in us to smooth things over, to make things right like — all the time. Is this just me? We do this to keep the peace because our days are so busy and we have so much going on that a bit more chaos might just throw us over the edge. So we give in a little more than we proably would have if we were thinking straight, we let them have a bit more screen time, or have the food they want or we just get a little more closer to the friend space than being the parent. If that is you, then you are not alone, I have been there and honestly it can also leave us feeling pretty guilty.
If I am being honest that is what I felt as our kids wrapped up school from another term. They came home, they went straight on devices and pretty much stayed there till dinner time which by the way was like… really late I think we didn’t sit down till 8pm. However I was determined to do our Friday night dinner and conversation utilising the Table Talk Project and the ‘Back at the table tool‘. This time though was a little different because I knew it wasn’t going to last long so I thought how can I make this short time count when it is obvious they are so tired. I know I could have just said “no, we will do it another time” but I really believe conversation matters so we pushed on. Below are just a few things we did as a family that helped make for a good conversation even though we were all tired. I hope this can give some help for you as your kids start school holidays.
- We acknowledged the tiredness
It was obvious as they sat down they were exhausted so we acknowledged the tiredness. We called a spade a spade and addressed it. We did this by saying “I know you are all tired I get it, but lets still have some great conversation. Who wants to run the time tonight and use the app?”. As I thought, my daughter piped up with joy and begun.
2. We gave each person space to speak
We gave each person time to speak alot or a little depending on how they felt. This provided them the freedom to just share something small as an answer or something more. What was interesting was that most people didn’t just share something small and give one word answers or one sentence answers they went into detail. The conversation took some interesting turns as the question was “what is your greatest fear?”. The kids were sharing about being afraid of spiders or the like and I shared how my greatest fear was to lose them. It was really interesting as they asked me questions to go with that. I am sure as parents you get what I mean by my answer.
3. We reminded those at the table to make sure its one person talking at a time
At times someone would talk over another, or get a little passionate and in that time we just had to remind them that its important for one person to share at a time so that they feel listened to and heard. This shows respect for that person.
We are definitely not some perfect family (if that exists) but we do believe in setting good foundations for their life and when they might go to other peoples houses, or have a job etc we want them to know how to be respectful. There are many good positive lessons they could take from our dinner table discussions.
4. We thanked each person for sharing
It takes alot of guts to share your heart, be vulnerable and be honest. Sometimes thanking people for letting us in on where they are at is a good encouragement for the next time they share. As they build trust they will share more and more.
Sometimes with teenagers when you thank them for sharing it can be quite disarming, especially if they share an opinion about something they know you are opposed to. When you don’t respond as they assumed you would and instead you thank them for what they shared — just watch their face as they were most probably ready for some kind of fight. I call it the ‘love response’. How can we show love in our responses in situations that could be heated or difficult? Give it a shot and let me know how you go.
We could have just let this time go, and say that we will get to it next time and that would have been fine, but when you value something as we do, no matter how tired we are, we will continue to gather for a meal and conversation.
I am so thankful for The Table Talk Project and the space it provides to keep conversations going. I just wish I started it earlier. 😀
