As parents, we’ve all been there calling our child’s name for the fourth time, only to be met with silence, blank stares, or even a defiant “No.” In those moments, it’s easy to feel frustrated or even powerless. But what if the real power lies in how we choose to respond?
At The Table Talk Project, we believe meaningful connection starts with understanding not control. And when our children aren’t listening, it’s not always defiance. Sometimes, it’s something much deeper.
First, Pause.
Before reacting, pause. This simple act gives us the space to ask a powerful question: Why might they not be listening right now?
Are they:
- Immersed in play or a creative flow?
- Overstimulated or tired?
- Feeling unheard in other parts of their day?
- Struggling to transition from one activity to another?
- Just being developmentally typical?
Research in child development tells us that a child’s brain especially the prefrontal cortex, which governs attention, impulse control, and decision-making is still under construction well into their twenties. This means what may seem like “not listening” might actually be can’t listen right now.
Get on Their Level Literally and Emotionally
Children are much more receptive when we connect physically at eye level. Kneel down. Make gentle eye contact. Speak with a calm tone. These small actions help children feel safe and seen, which opens the door to better communication.
Example: Instead of calling out from across the room, try walking over, kneeling down, and saying, “Hey, I see you’re building something amazing with your blocks. When you’re ready in two minutes, can we clean up for dinner together?”
This approach respects their current focus while setting a clear expectation.
Consider How They Like to Receive Communication
Just like adults, kids have preferred ways of engaging. Some respond better to touch, others to visual cues, and some to storytelling. Notice what works best for your child.
Practical Tip: Use a visual timer or picture cards for routines many children process visuals more effectively than verbal instructions, especially younger ones.
Are We Interrupting a Flow State?
According to developmental psychologist Alison Gopnik, children’s play is not just recreation it’s their work. When we interrupt, it’s akin to someone barging into your meeting mid-presentation. Of course they won’t be happy.
Try saying:
“I see you’re deep into your drawing. I need your help in 5 minutes can we wrap it up together then?”
This teaches them time awareness, cooperation, and that their activities are valued.
The Development Gap is Real
It’s important to remember that a 3-year-old and a 7-year-old are worlds apart developmentally. A toddler may not have the language skills or impulse control to respond the way an older child might.
According to the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard, brain development is uneven, with emotional regulation and executive functioning emerging gradually. What feels like stubbornness is often a lag in skills, not willful disobedience.
Try this instead of “You never listen”:
- “I wonder if it’s hard to stop playing when you’re having fun. That’s okay I’ll help you.”
Connection builds relationships
This principle is the heartbeat of The Table Talk Project. When we connect first acknowledge their feelings, their world we build trust. And trust is the foundation of all good communication.
Practical Example:
Instead of “Put your shoes on NOW!”
Try: “You really don’t want to stop playing, do you? I get it. Let’s race to see who gets their shoes on faster.”
Final Thought: Listening Is a Two-Way Street
Children learn to listen by being listened to. If we model respect, patience, and empathy even when it’s hard we lay the groundwork for lifelong emotional intelligence.
So next time your child isn’t listening, try asking: What’s happening for them right now? That question alone shifts the conversation from conflict to curiosity and that’s where connection truly begins.
Learn more about how listening builds connection here.
Table Talk Prompt
“What helps you feel heard? Can you show me how you like to be asked to do something?”
Try this conversation at dinner tonight and listen closely to their answers.
